There are few mediators who would say that listening is not a major part of every mediation session they run. While each party needs to listen to the other, the mediator needs to listen to each side—the words, context, innuendos, along with the subtle nuances embedded within each response. Through this the mediator develops a mental map of where the mediation is headed and how to maneuver the cracks or chasms that separate the parties and manage the mediation.
The Role of the Mediator
As mediators we engage with people as a natural part of our mission. If we do not understand the nuances of what is being said we ask questions, not only for our own understanding, but also to illuminate and clarify for the other parties as well. We poke and prod to uncover the layers of the disagreement so that a better understanding can be had by each party.
In reality, if the parties could do this on their own many conflicts would be resolved without third party intervention. But unfortunately, most people, especially those in the midst of a dispute, shy away from asking questions of their partner not only out of fear of retaliation or sounding dumb, but because most people are more comfortable in the role of a passive listener.
Definition of Engaged Listening
In the sector of mediation where I dwell, community and family mediation (generally prior to the parties hiring attorneys), it is usually important to maintain or help rebuild the relationship between the parties. The method I use is a homegrown variant of transformative mediation, and my tool of choice — engaged listening — having the listener engage the speaker in conversation by asking pertinent questions to better understand the speaker’s words, feelings, motives and biases.
Definition of Passive Listening
In my work I’ve defined passive listening as: where the listener, by choice or situation, does not or cannot obtain timely clarification from the speaker on points that might have been missed, misunderstood, or perceived as incorrect, in order to better understand what the speaker is saying.
Passive Listening Pervasive
Passive listening is pervasive in our society. We cannot ask the TV commentator for the basis of their opinion. In a lecture hall, students cannot ask the lecturer questions on points that may be misunderstood. Today, much of our information is provided in the form of voice messages, webinars, and large group meetings — all venues that disassociate the listener from the speaker and discourages a true dialogue that would insure a more meaningful understanding.
When People Cannot Ask Questions
When people cannot ask questions, cannot engage with the speaker, they are forced to accept their own, personal interpretation of what they heard—which may or may not match the speaker’s ideas. An individual’s interpretation will always be filtered by their personal life experience as expressed by their beliefs, assumptions, values, memories, expectations and prejudices. This, their personal interpretation or misinterpretation, could actually be the underlying cause of the primary conflict!
Outspoken People Can Be Passive Listeners
Passive listening does not always mean a passive person. A very forceful and outspoken individual can still be a very passive listener but rather then asking questions and trying to gain clarification and understanding, the individual attempts to drive one side of the story without any desire to understand the other. This person will often become belligerent if questioned and make only statements rather than asking open ended questions of the opposing party.
Using Engaged Listening For more Effective Mediation
If relationship retention is important, the mediator needs to work with both the passive-passive listener as well as the belligerent-outspoken-passive listener and attempt to generate a constructive, engaged dialogue between the two.
By listening to the party who is speaking and watching the party who is listening, the mediator is in a unique position to empower the listener to ask questions for the purpose of truly understanding the position of the speaker. Being allowed or encouraged to seek clarification can truly be a life-changing experience because so many of us grew up with parents and teachers who asked us to listen to them but discouraged us from questioning them. And it is through questioning—engaged listening—that we grow to understand each other and minimize conflicts and disputes.
